please hold...

i have essentially wasted the past hour and a half of my life.

opey bought the house. we close may 10th. it's wonderful, it's chaotic; we're trying not to get too excited until it's all said and done in the event that something in the cosmos jinxes us and screws it all up.

however, we have international movers coming next friday, we've sold almost all of our worldly possessions (which is really pretty liberating), and we are getting down to the nitty gritty stuff:

calling all utilities providers and having service canceled/set to transfer for the date of closing. i called our electricity company and waited on hold for a half an hour only to be told that because the account was not in my name, i was not authorized to have it shut off. following this, i waited a while, called the gas company, phone company, and still have to hit the water and trash service here in town. but in the mean time i got smart. it's probably illegal and considered to be fraud in most places, but a lot flies here in mayberry. i called the electric company back and pretended to be the name on the account. whether they believed me or not, it worked. thank god!

it is so infuriating to just sit and listen to terrible music while on hold. i even got bored and googled "please hold." would you believe that there is a company that SELLS "professional on-hold messages, music on hold, voice over recordings, voice mail greetings...?" now, i checked out the site, and while if i were a business owner, i would not find it legit, many testimonials on their site suggest the contrary: http://pleasehold.com/ph2001/testimon.htm

anyway, an hour and a half later and some credits and debits for and against us, it looks like this house will soon be an empty shell of where two crazy hermit crabs once dwelled. apparently, i do not know the past participle of "to dwell." i leave you now as i go in search of grammatical correctness (i'm not sure why spell-check is underlining "dwelled" and must know!) and then head off to see my grams. tchao!

lately...

i've lost the will to blog.

having babies like a chicken pooping out eggs...

simone de beauvoir was kinda of a super bitch (if i were still dwelling on some other topic, i bet i know who would have been a great buddy for her).
<-- just look at that scornfulness! she asserted in her text "le deuxième sexe" that women who pooped out kids all the time were basically like chickens pooping out eggs. don't get me wrong, i think kids are neat. i even watch someone else's as a part-time job (forgive me if i am repeating myself). i have nieces and nephews. we have friends who have kids. i just don't feel that need to have a kid, though.
i am disheartened by the overpopulation of our earth as well as the fact that countless children are born into families/situations where no one wants them. most days i feel like we are on a sinking ship and that no one seems to give a damn about our collective future anyway, so what's the point of procreating only to have a kid who's going to grow up knowing possible famine, despair, and severe poverty. i realize that this occurs constantly in our current world, but this is yet another reason that i feel that issues such as abstinence-only education and limitation of birth control (making more expensive, i.e. less readily available to those who might really need and want it) are big mistakes in industrialized nations (specifically the u.s.).
i'm by no means attacking anyone who wants to have a child. i just feel that our society is so procreation-oriented that i am bogged down by the constant questions from family, friends, and the occasional stranger, who feel that it is their duty (or perhaps right?) to pry into my sex life to see when my man and i plan on pooping out kids. i used to be able to use school as an excuse, but it seems as though i am going to have to start telling folks straight up that i don't feel the need/desire to shoot out any spawn of my own.

sy"phyllis" can be treated and cured

last boring entry on this subject: after much soul searching and deliberation, i finally decided to bite the bullet and swallow the jagged little pill that was my release from my recent 'bout with ol' syph...

according to the CDC: "Syphilis is easy to cure in its early stages. A single intramuscular injection of penicillin, an antibiotic, will cure a person who has had syphilis for less than a year." that sounds a bit like my phyllis, too. however, i took a couple of shots of vodka and wrote her off that way. i was nice about it. i gave her a heads up before giving her the boot on facebook; it really just boiled down to not wanting to put up with the shit anymore. i'm not twelve-and even when i was, this stuff bugged the hell outta me. now that this has dragged on for nearly a year, i thought it was high time to move on. some things are just not worth the effort. cheese and booze-always worth the effort. especially when they're free. bitchy girls-not worth the energy at all!

besides, there are no certainties in life (except death and taxes as they say!), but it is not uncommon for friends to come and go. some things were not made to weather the storms. shoot, some people don't even pay their taxes, so that's not even a certainty. furthermore, with walt disney being deep-frozen by cryogenics, even death has become more and more beatable.

anywho, i need to let go and except the fact that my money and that damn lavender dress will never be sent back to me. my books and any other belongings that were swapped when we were super buds are long gone, too...and i s'pose at the end of the day, stuff is just stuff. it doesn't make me who i am, but it sure does piss me off due to the principle of it.

i just don't get why some women have to be so hard to get along with. i hate sexism. i don't think that human beings are that different overall, but there are times that i really do think that men are easier to get along with than women...then again, i was an only child growing up, so i know that there are other days where i hate men equally and really only get along well with myself. at least i can always count on me. :) sarah silverman claims to be a "me-mosexual" so maybe i am a me-santhropist...i do tend to like myself much more than anyone else. ;)

sy"phillis" update

that damn purple dress (see post #3 "how to lose a friend in one dress") has become the bane of my current existence. sy"phyllis" (once phyllis) has become a full blown case of mental distress to me, much like the effects of the actual syphilis disease that can lead to insanity and blindness...
i am blinded by a fury that is leading to my insanity!
to recap: we left off in february with the rupture in our friendship. after stewing on this for about a week, i decided that we were too old to be behaving like adolescents and i e-mailed syph to let her know that while i definitely felt we had drifted, i didn't think it was insurmountable. this seemed to temporarily open up the floor for discussion. we both got some things off of our chests rather tactfully, i felt, and i was certain that we could move on. i had feared that our relationship would be altered, and it has in fact been difficult to repair. nonetheless, last month i packed up a small box of books (two, i think) and stuck a friendly note in for syph apologizing for having kept the books so long, wishing her and the fam well, and requesting that she send me some of my things at her earliest convenience as we are trying to box our life up and ship it out of mayberry.
i've heard nothing.
i posted a note on her facebook (yes, when we "reconciled" syph re-added me as her buddy). still nothing. that was over a week ago, and i have been creepy enough to stalk her. she's had time to add new friends and update her profile picture. THIS IS RIDICULOUS! i was NICE! (which is not easy for me). ugh.
so yesterday i e-mailed her. STILL NOTHING. at first i thought, "okay, she's busy." but then i thought, "babies are portable!" (i keep one several times a week. it's energy draining, but they are very mobile and permit you to live your life in spite of their constant need for food, sleep, and attention). then i started to get pissed. and the more i stewed, the madder i got. it has now turned into a full-fledged syphilis flare up. i am raging. i am also ready to send her a nasty e-mail telling her to send me my FU@#$%*& dress/money from her wedding (now almost a year behind us) as well as some of my favorite feminist novels that i lent her. argh!!!! i'll give it through the weekend so as not to act rashly, however, regardless of what i hear from syph at this point, i would really just like to throat punch her snobby ass.

Goob, did anybody ever tell you you've got a big mouth?

ahhhh, iconic small town america. it brings to mind the likes of andy griffith, father knows best, and leave it to beaver. it's the time that conservatives still long for; however LUCKILY for some of us, this small town america still endures in our daily lives.
you know you are part of (or consequently NOT part of) small town america when your city/town is engulfed by more churches than there are liquor stores as well as being looked down upon because you do not vote republican. there are only two liquor stores in our community and five times as many churches. i kid not!
if my husband and i were characters from the andy griffith show, he would be aunt bee and i would be otis, the town drunk.
in fact, this is actually how we came to find out this evening who the interested party in our house is. we were making a run to the liquor store and good ol' mr. beer store began to question us upon our impending departure from mayberry. come to find out, mr. beer store's nephew opey is checking out our property. it makes me want to add opey as a friend on facebook and get the contract signed and this whole business out of the way. the stress is becoming too much for aunt bee and me. mayberry was an alright stopping point in our journey, however, i couldn't settle here. otis was always getting into trouble in mayberry and so am i. i run my mouth too much, writer letters to the editor about environmentalism and the likes, and just generally rub the ultra-con's the wrong way (as they do me).
ironically, i find wholesome mayberry's devout support of the republican party just a tad on the hypocritical side in light of the recent RNC problems revolving around misuse of funds at a bondage themed strip club. that's the problem with our mayberry and all of the mayberries of america: on the surface they seem so quaint and wholesome, but when you scratch the surface, dirty laundry like heavy drugs (fabrication and sale of), child sex abuse, violence against women, teen pregnancy (what else do teens have to do in a town with no movie theater or bowling alley?) and overall stupidity of the general population comes spilling out. urp.
in any case, the over abundance of god and lack of vodka are only part of why we are leaving mayberry, but either way, it's about damned time!

ninja cat!

our *little* kitty (who you saw spooning with our dog in my previous post) has some stealth moves. tonight we had company over and cooked out on the grill.
it was black bean burgers for the veg lovers and rib-eyes for the meaties. all of this feast was accompanied by coleslaw and fries (both homemade) and the assortment of typical bbq condiments including tomato slices.
following supper, we had migrated to the living room where we were discussing various fascinating topics such as excessive gassyness, real estate, and power tools (don't you wish you could join our dinner parties?!?). while we were hashing these subjects out to their fullest potential, senor gato came speeding across the living room floor holding between his teeth the baggy of tomatoes that had been on our kitchen table, only to hop on the dog's bed and stick his nose in to commence his royal cat feast.
i am still perplexed as to how he got the bag of 'maters off of the table and also as to how he made his way so stealthily across the house without making a huge mess. however, this cat is 15.5 pounds, so i think he has his fair share of practice in making off with our household provisions. i'm thinking of installing a nanny-cam to see what he's up to when we're not around.