much like aunt josephine from lemony snicket's a series of unfortunate events, i have an irrational fear of realtors. we have one coming to look at ours this friday. :S i think this disturbs me most because we have so much left to finish and not enough time to do it. however, i hate the idea of opening up my home to someone that i don't know, who i wouldn't otherwise associate with, and who will be judging me based on numerous superficial things. it's weird. i've never done well with popularity contests. you either like me or you don't. and i'm usually okay with that. save the exception of one college professor that i tried so hard to befriend, and the harder i tried, the more i was pushed away. i don't take this too personally, though, either. i wasn't the only one whose love and affection was rejected. and quite frankly, i feel as though it is their loss and not mine. that's either a really healthy way of seeing things, or i'm delusional and too wrapped up in myself sarah silverman style. but i guess i'm okay with that, too. ;) i wish we had the money to call someone in to do the work for us, but we've learned so much renovating on our own. i only hope that our transformations will wow the realtor this friday as much as they seem to wow us. dear, sweet reader, i ask nothing but good vibes from you while we go through this scary, uncharted territory in our home owner's experience. eek!

Nolite te bastardes carborundorum.

so i've felt pretty puny these past few days. i took advantage of this on friday to delve into a long awaited book, the handmaid's tale by margaret atwood. i would like to think that i have more vocabulary than what i am about to use to sum up this novel, but it was fucking amazing! i've read some pretty kick-ass books in my time, but i ate this up in virtually a day. it was heaven. i curled up on our futon with my snuggly little dog and just read ALL day (and napped). i'm not sure how i made it through 3 years of women's studies without having come across this text, but i am so glad that i found it at my local used book store for only 75 cents. i've now moved on to the bell jar, which i am eating up equally as quickly. i think perhaps i mis-majored and should have gone into english lit. or women's lit. really i just like reading anything that moves me. the handmaid's tale left me curious, angry, and somewhat hopeful--which is what any good book should be able to do--otherwise, what's the point?!? i used to think when i was younger that i, too, would like to write, but i have come to terms with the fact that i am destined to read and enjoy what others have so carefully crafted. atwood gave me a giggle with her *subtle* "Pen Is Envy" line as well. finding a good book is like adding a new friend to your life. it feels like such an accomplishment to have discovered it, spent time with it, and then to put it away for safe-keeping. we cut our cable subscription over 3 years ago and have lived without tv...i mean, we still own a tv. we watch documentaries and dvd's, but we don't watch all the mindless (and expensive) CRAP that is on tv, and i can safely say that i don't miss it. i love curling up on the couch with a good read and being alone with my thoughts as opposed to putting up with the incessant commercials, obnoxious sounds and bad jokes that are all over the place. i know people who have satellite and cable with 600+ channels that probably pay out the wazoo for their service, and there is rarely anything worthwhile on. sure, there's the occasional film, or a good documentary, but with netflix or the internet, your money's better spent on those services as opposed to crap tv. all this, just to say, i spent a helluva weekend with atwood and am looking forward to my week with plath. hooray books!

V-O-M-I-T (sung to the tune of "Bingo was his name-O"

it's been a rough couple of days. i got a migraine tuesday and i woke up in the middle of the night wednesday with what can either be classified as the ol' gastrointestinal bug or food poisoning. :( to make matters worse, i also had to spend the night mopping up the bathroom floor, and am currently washing all of the bathmats. good times. on the bright side, i got up this morning only to find that i had started my period. while i would normally be disgruntled by this, i recently ordered the diva cup (http://www.divacup.com/)and was able to put it to use for the first time, so i was pleased. it quelled my worries that it would be gross, uncomfortable, or just plain weird. it was pretty darned easy, and despite the fact that i still feel like crap, i feel pretty good for just having had some sort of bug AND my period. i'm digging the fact that i'm environmentally friendly at a very basic level. what tickles me even more is that i bought the correct size unlike my good friend who found one at whole foods the other day. she's 23. she bought size 2 which is for women 30 or over or who have given birth. she's obviously not 30, and no, she's never had kids. so...while i'm gloating at my new eco-friendly purchase, she has her's on the shelf for the next 7 years. hey, at least she's prepared! as for myself, i'm off to test out the BRAT (bananas, rice, applesauce, toast) diet and get back on track for the weekend and weeks to come.

pissed at PETA

first of all, don't spaz out over what i had intended to be today's blog photo: it's just some harmless fruits and veggies! http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:26908 and i love my veggies, but i can't say the same about PETA. as many of you may know, PETA has a long history of objectifying women, but i hadn't looked into it too much until today. i received an e-mail thanking me for requesting the free PETA veggie starter kit (i love free shit, okay?!) and also e-viting me to participate in the PETA sexiest vegetarian next door contest. http://sexyvegnextdoor2010.peta.org/PastWinners.aspx at first i thought this might be a joke, or at least something clever. not so. it's just beefy man-hunks and wretchedly skinny praying mantis women oiled up and scantily clad. so i responded to PETA's e-mail with the following:

Subject: PETA Complaint

To Whom It May Concern:

There are many things I like about PETA's promotion of vegetarianism and creating a more animal friendly world. However, I have come to find that many of the advertisements used by your organization display blatant sexism and objectification of the human body. If we are to be kinder to our animal brethren, then perhaps a good step in that direction would be by promoting a healthier image of the human body. By doing so, this would not promote health or well-being by current societal standards of "beauty" and "sexiness" as is the case with the PETA Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door Contest. Many vegetarians are quite content with their bodies no matter how they look, and putting the body on display to be judged by others makes us no better than animals for sale at livestock show. Frankly, I am disappointed by this contest as well as some of PETA's previous ad campaigns objectifying the human body. Shape up, PETA! Try a contest that tests vegetarian creativity or humor as opposed to something that aligns itself with the current white, male-dominant patriarchal oppression.

Sincerely,

etudiante.enragee (you thought i was going to give the game away, there for a minute, didn't you?) ha!

i just can't stand the constant obejectification of not only the female body (although it is much more readily used, just check out some of PETA's ad photos!!!) but the human body all together. now i probably sound like a prude. and i'm sure the person who reads my e-mail at PETA will think i'm a fatty; both are beside the point. the point is: yes, the human body is a beautiful thing, but why should we be rewarded for buying into the current myths about what is beautiful and appealing? argh. i wanna see some pics of meaty women in that case--and i don't mean that size 12 model that they referred to as "plus sized" at the fashion show this past week!!! http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=123604722&ps=cprs
all this unhealthy body image business is driving me crazy! it makes me want to submit a photo of myself to PETA in a ski suit or peeking out of the shower while munching on a carrot stick.

let's reevaluate sex and beauty and fight the powers that be!

you say ca-nah-dah, i say ca-nuh-duh

there's been a lot of talk over the past few months about france's president sarkozy wanting to ban the burqua. http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-july-1-2009/burka-ban
but until now, it seemed like idle threats. i suppose we should have known better seeing as how sarko is a man who, for better or worse, gets things done. nothing has been done...yet. however, the report is under review and may be passed into law if enough supporters are willing to back it.
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=122981366
in reading Anushay Hossain's essay on NPR, i couldn't agree more with her statement that sarko's woman-empowered lingo simply attempts to cover up the fact that he, too, is trying to exercise patriarchal power over a female minority.
i'm a feminist. i've got a degree in women's studies. i wrote a thesis on gender roles; but i don't pretend to have answers to questions such as these. i think it's pretentious and very "western do-gooder" of us to tell an entire culture of people why we think they are wrong and we are right. this is one of those battles that quickly becomes a pot-ay-to/po-tah-to war. no woman should be forced to do something by the culture or government in which she lives. WOMAN'S CHOICE is key in many of these issues. i hate breast implants. i think they're ugly and unsafe; i also think that many women get them for all the wrong reasons...but lo and behold, if a woman decides freely that bigger knockers are going to improve her quality of life, may she knock herself out to get them. the same goes for the veil, burqua, niquab, and the women who CHOOSE to wear them: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EoN0o9Sg6QA
i hate to ride the fence on this issue, but i can't say that david beckham forced posh to get those breasts augmented any more than i can say that every woman who wears the symbol of her muslim beliefs is being forced to do so. i think at the root of many of these problems is a society that devalues women's worth as well as promoting standards that reinforce women as the property of men. it's not just islam--look at fundamental christians!!! i've got a real soft spot for the muslims of the world right now. between all this burqua business, consistently being targeted as terrorists, and now with the swiss on their case, (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/30/world/europe/30swiss.html) they have become to the 2000's what the communists represented during the cold war...hey wait! americans still don't like communists. well, you get my point. i don't think it is through governmental bans that we will make progress in global muslim relations. no one would like it if a ban were passed with regard to christian steeples (except perhaps the jehova's witnesses) nor would they like it if we tried to ban sweatpants and ugg boots. all i'm saying is that if everyone tried to pass laws about people they hated, we'd all have to sit at home naked. that would get boring and cold pretty darned quick. lay off the layered ladies, unless of course you are asked to be a good western savior--in which case, onward christian soldiers!

she-mullet, or the day my trendy died

i feel kristen stewart's pain. i used to be trendy. i mean, i was never "cool" per se, but i almost always looked cool. i buzzed my head pre-brittany à la natalie portman; i wore doc martens in the 5th grade; i've seen my fair share of tie-dye, black nail polish, and big, slutty earrings. those were the good ol' days. pre-recession days. days where spending $30 to get my hair cut didn't seem frivolous. those were also the days when i had a haircut buddy who would entertain me while i had to sit in the hot seat. those days are long gone and so is my haircut buddy. :( i haven't had a haircut since december of 2009. that may not seem like long, but when you have short hair, it's an eternity. i'm sure that kristen stewart is suffering from recession haircut syndrome, too. or maybe she just needs a good haircut buddy. i should e-mail her agent. perhaps i could get a free haircut out of the deal. in any case, i'm sitting here looking at all the ways kristen and my hair make us doppelgangers, and i find myself justifying her she-mullet: "it's euro-hipster cool," "who cares if she doesn't wash it everyday--it's better for the environment," "at least she's not wrapped up in her physical appearance," and so on and so forth. the long and short of it is, krissy and i both need a mullet like we need a hole in the head. unfortunately, until i can find somewhere that will cut my she-mullet for less than $30 or a haircut buddy to convince me to go anyway, (which is not likely to happen any time soon) i am going to forfeit physical attractiveness for financial well being. on the bright side, perhaps my new look is yet another pre-trend setting look that will even inspire a return of the much beloved 1980's mullet. only time will tell.

the moldy mind of cuckoo chanel

today i begin a series on my professional life. i hope to include one entry per week for the next few weeks on my experiences (good, bad, and just plain ugly) in my current field of employment.

i teach. i mention this matter of factly in passing because it is simply a machiavellian means to an end for me currently. i am not like some of my former professors who feeling that teaching is their calling in life. kumaravdivelu does not make me orgasm when i say his name. in fact it really just makes me think of iron butterfly's "in-a-gadda-da-vida" simpson-style (perhaps due to the syllables?) ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGmkM4v9AaY

verbs are not my passion, nor are my students. this is not to say that i do not like or care about my students. i do. at least some of them...however, in the two years that i have taught, i have seen my fair share of freaks, geeks, and assholes. what really blows my mind is the cost of education these days and the lack of appreciation that the majority of students show with regard to this.

i teach at a nondescript school in the midwest. by the time my students have enrolled and paid for the course, books, and online materials...they have probably spent somewhere between $1500 and $3000 (depending upon whether they pay in-state or out-of-state tuition). not only does this sum seem extravagant to me because it is a lot of money for a family to have to spend on education, i don't see much of that coming back to me in my bi-weekly pay check. when i stare at a classroom full of twenty or so students, i can't help wondering where the approximate $45000 for my class has gone. yes, i have some "nice" teaching equipment, but it is not mine. i don't even get health insurance. oh, i could pay out of pocket for it, but what it would cost me to do so would eat up 2/3 of my monthly earnings. this leaves me feeling slightly bitter towards my alma mater (who also currently employs me). i know, i know, you don't bite the hand that feeds you. that's why this blog is anonymous!

furthermore, my wages don't compensate me for the time and effort that go into planning a successful lesson, nor do they make up for the way that i have been treated by students. i like to joke around a lot in class. i'm not that much older than the majority of my students, and i find that we all get along better in the long run if we can laugh and have a good time. this bit me in the ass last semester.

i had a student who was apparently very literal. my jokes and this student en faisaient deux as the french would say. cuckoo chanel would come into class everyday and make a 5-10 scene about selecting the appropriate desk...i tried to nip this in the bud early on in the semester, but to no avail. this picky choosy behavior appeared to drive others in the class as crazy as it did me. i tried hard to be patient, but it was really too much. the kicker is that this young woman (who very obviously had some issues of her own) would pick on another student in class who displayed what can only be categorized as "socially awkward behavior." perhaps i should have deduced from the dynamic that this particular class was a force with which to be reckoned...but i did not. i carried on in my usual manner joking about working for the man as well as responding to a student that their final exam time was actually during happy hour in most places. all of this landed me in my boss's office following a complaint by cuckoo chanel. i apologized (sincerely, i might add, too) for i had no idea that my comments had offended; i was forgiven by my boss, but not my student! the wrath of teacher evaluations came crashing down upon me a couple of weeks ago when i received scathing comments from cuckoo chanel. i was accused of "belittling my students" and getting "angry" with them as well as using "inappropriate language" and "talking too much about my personal life." what the f*%#? cuckoo chanel claimed that i made her life so miserable that she would have quit my class had she not desperately needed the credits. ouch. now i know i'm not perfect, but i did feel lambasted on this one. i tried not take it too personally, however. i taught the same class at another time last semester and received nothing but positive comments from those little gemstones! they saw me for who i really was. they were my saving grace. otherwise, cuckoo chanel could have led to my demise.

this situation alone would have been enough to push me over the edge last semester, but it was not my only pedagogical plight at nondescript university. next week i will submit another tale from the crypt that will be equally chilling and disturbing.

how to lose a friend in one dress

the luscious lavender dress to your left is what i was subjected to this summer in a friend's wedding, plus gold hooker heels. strike one. i'm not built like the skeleton in the picture, however, and that much lavender looks gross on anyone. david's bridal is also not known for quality...so you can imagine my woes. what's even funnier is how over the past months this dress has come to embody so much more than just my hatred for sweatshops in china, or the color purple. it has become somewhat of a metaphor, or symbol, an omen if you will, of the friendship that once forced me into those duds.

i mentioned earlier this week while ranting about suburbia, that i had been dumped by my best friend. well, things have only gotten worse. for a brief recap: my friend, (and for the purpose of this blog, we'll refer to her a phyllis) and i met five years ago at a not-so liberal midwestern college. i didn't really want to befriend her in the first place as i am a grouch by nature, but eventually realized that she was a nice person and perhaps worth my time. we did margarita nights, i would spend the night at her house once a week to avoid commuting in the dark, we would listen to music and occasionally smoke some pot only to find that we were really good at jeopardy when we did. phyllis would occasionally come to my husband and my house for dinner as well. over the years we saw phyllis through various boyfriends: mister i love god so let's get married tomorrow, mister has less personality than a paper plate, mister i seem as though i could be on parole, mister hefty leprechaun, and two 'bouts with mister current husband.

now, i'm not trying to make it sound as though i am faultless in our relationship. however, i think i did a pretty darned good job of supporting phyllis in all her life choices. when phyllis and mister current husband decided to tie the knot, though, the circumstances were less than favorable and also very forced by members of phyllis' family (yes, it was one of those weddings). nevertheless, i attended extravagant bridal showers and assisted with as much wedding goo as i could from a distance. i couldn't help feeling that there was a lot of waste taking place, however, and so i mentioned this to phyllis. she told me i was just jealous. not so much, but okay, lesson learned. mouth shut. what i would guess to be several tens of thousands of dollars later, the wedding took place and phyllis was a lovely bride albeit exhibiting behavior that was less attractive than that of a demure debutante. in other words, she was kind of a bitch to her bridal party and guests. i bussed tables at phyllis' wedding instead of partaking in the wedding festivities because phyllis' mother asked me to. strike two.

phyllis then left on a honeymoon and i did not hear from her for nearly two months. then one day a belated thank you showed up from the wedding. now, i'm not miss manners, but proper etiquette for thank you's tends to fall in the week to ten day period for most civilized beings. helas, our blushing bride must have skipped over that section of bride's magazine during her pre-wedding mani/pedi.

from this point, phyllis and i drifted further and further apart. she partaking in the new found joys of suburbia and planning for spawn #1, and i working three part-time jobs and writing a thesis while trying to remodel a home and keep a marriage healthy. indeed, we had less and less in common than when we first became friends. the real jot came sunday when phyllis deleted me sans warning from facebook. strike three . a couple of sassy e-mails from the both of us ensued, but in the end i decided to take the high road. i plead my case to phyllis in an e-mail that more or less called a truce...i have still heard nothing from her. you're outta here! despite this, she has kept some "mutual" friends on facebook, which irks me because they are people i introduced her to.

in addition to hurt feelings, i don't even have the hideous dress in my possession to dispose of: consignment or the chiminea seem appropriate at this point. i tend to analyze everything from a feminist perspective, but i can't get over the sexist notion that men "duke it out" when they have a problem and women get "catty" and mean. i don't understand how two relatively intelligent beings can fall into this trap, but apparently we have, and sadly, i am out nearly a $150 for the dress and shoes, as well as the dress itself, and more importantly the friendship that landed me in the dress in the first place. woe is me for the loss of a hideous dress and previously good friendship. i've got hurt feelings, but thank goodness for good cheese in my fridge. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzUPEB1TkkI

you betcha ;)

i figure that before i get too far into this whole blog bit, i should in fact pay homage to those who inspired my title: the beatles. it seems pretty obvious to me, but having mentioned in passing one halloween that my husband and i intended to be john and yoko (and receiving blank stares from my peers), i feel it only safe to cover my bases.

"revolution" encapsulates, although rather broadly, the majority of my current philosophies and ideologies. so let's get a few things straight:

i've been dabbling in vegetarianism for the past 3 months. no, this didn't stem from PETA videos (although they are quite disturbing). i've gotten used to the idea of veggies while preparing them for many of my veg friends--accuse me of peer pressure if you must. i pretty much hate the whole idea of the current system. so, i set out on this venture trying to do my part to help the environment as well as sticking it to the man. along the way i've rediscovered some great vegetables and lost some weight. not too shabby, if you ask me. and yes, i get the irony of posting the beatles "butcher" album photo while touting vegetarianism. thank you very much.

on top of all this, i'm pretty much disgusted with the current socio-political/economic situation globally. my dad harangues me about being an obama fan, but i can't rightly say that i am. i am NOT however a supporter of the conservative right. i read today that sarah palin delivered a speech saturday night to the tea party supporters asking all the liberals out there "how's that hopey changey thing workin' out for ya now?" catty. and low. she can't even keep tabs on her offspring, and she's not too concerned about the state of the earth, so i'm not sure how she thinks she would be better suited for the job. i do feel that there is a real lack of choice out there for those of us who desire real change. i'm generally hopeless and disillusioned when it comes to politicians. i think it's up to us to change things...strength in numbers, care and concern for our fellow human, and all that jazz. but i guess i feel that something better is still out there and possible, thus the desire for the "revolution." not teeny bopper, emo, anarchist b.s. either, true, fundamental change to shape our collective futures. with a world population nearing 7 billion (http://www.census.gov/main/www/popclock.html), millions of people without adequate nutrition, housing, health services and education, the economy in the toilet, jobless claims growing, and violence against _________________ (insert gender, ethnicity, sexuality, etc. here) prevalent in the news everywhere, i guess i feel that hope is the only thing that can drive us to change. so palin can take her "hopey changey" bologna and stick it up her nose. i need hope. i need change. and i need to believe that i'm not the only one out here who thinks that it can be done. so on that note, i leave you with a small "revolution:" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Imb4tYOk8GE

little boxes on the hillside...

preparing my first blog is almost as nerve-racking as submitting my graduate thesis for revisions! i sit here sipping my evening tea admiring my latest house project: a two-tone parchment texturization of my walls in "saffron strands" and "midas touch" trimmed out in "espresso bean" and accented with "sandcastle" doors and ceilings. who gets the job of official paint name chooser for these companies? suave marketing skills is all i can say. our house isn't as great as it sounds. it's no dump, either. in fact, it's just your typical fixer upper for first-time homeowners as they like to say. however, it's cozy, and it has permitted my husband and i many hands-on activities over the past 3 1/2 years. i'm feeling a bit nostalgic tonight as we're wrapping up renovations on the house in order to prepare for a big move. we've never owned a home before, let alone sold one, and the current market looms over this prospect like that cloud that was always following eeyore around on winnie the pooh. we've tried to be smart in what we chose to fix-up, but we always seem to be either short on time or money these days. if i make it sound as though we are destitute, it is with good reason: i just finished my m.a. program only to still be searching for what it is exactly that i want to do when i grow up, and my husband has "seasonal" work in horticulture...i.e. we ARE destitute. ok, we're not, but it sure feels that way at times. however, i am thrilled that we chose a small, quaint, cute, older home for our purchase as i see other friends and acquaintances settling down in suburban traps. i hate those places. not only are they exorbitantly overpriced, they all look so similar that if you go home drunk, you run the risk of accidentally going to bed with your neighbor! that alone should be enough to make every suburbanite switch to o'douls. these are all reasons that make relish my proletarian status...the thought of waking up with any of my neighbors as well as drinking non-alcoholic ANYTHING sets off my gag reflex. my disdain for suburbia has been growing steadily over the past few years, and there are days that i wish for nothing more than to set those little boxes on the hillside on fire as i once saw on an episode of "weeds." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEvEEcc9iC8&feature=related helas, the criminal life is not for me. i am too sloppy, and would likely be caught and arrested in the act. daydreaming about it is just as nice, though. to make matters worse, i am currently taking the whole suburban issue too personally, having recently been dumped (on facebook, no less) by a friend who is now a suburbanite mom. ouch. the sting of class distinction burns like a wound that my mom poured salt into when i was 12. no, my mother was not abusive...i lied about having shaved my legs, so it was my punishment. touché. i'm getting sidetracked here, though. the point is: i hate suburbia and all that goes along with it and i love my little 2 bedroom hovel. and for now i am going to finish my tea in tandem with this post and go dream of "sandcastles" and "saffron strands." goodnight, sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs bite!